A Bad Reaction to An Anti-Depressant

Posted on 04/16/2012 by Jo

Back in 1996, when I first started getting depressed, a doctor put me on Paxil. After about a week, I was experiencing muscle cramps in my feet but being that I stood on my feet all day long, I just had my husband rub my feet – real hard!! The cramping got worse until 3 weeks later, I found myself in a bit of a mess. I HAD to attend an Annual 1 day Recertification Testing in our State capital 80 miles away. I hadnt taken the time out of my very busy schedule to see a doctor or report my condition to my State Director. I was going to this meeting.

The problem was, by this time, I was having cramps all over. I remember my husband packing my car and me very feebly getting in.

That night I spent with my Regional Director at her home in the capital city so we could get up at a reasonable hour to get to the testing facility. However, during the course of the night it hit me full on. It was exactly one month after starting the drug. All my muscles seized up. I couldnt even get out of the bed to call for help. My friend was sleeping on the 2nd floor. I couldnt reach my purse to get my cell phone. I had to wait all those long agonizing hours until my friend came in to check on me the next morning when I didnt show up for breakfast.

My friend, Peggy, had to help dress me and somehow I managed to drive myself to the testing center. As soon as my State Director took one look at me, she excused me and told me to get to the ER.

They put me in my car, put me on the Interstate headed south (cause I was going home) and off I went. It was a 90 minute drive @ 65 mph but it seemed like an eternity. I couldn’t make the turns without terrible psin with each tiny movement. I couldn’t reach to turn the radio on.

I made myself get my cell phone and called my dad to mdet me half eay. I knew I wasn’t going ti make it. I was vomiting out the car door on the side of the road. My dad and my husband met me, and my dad got in my drivers seat. He was a trained Volunteer Firefighter with Life Saving Skikls. He had to resusitate me twice befire we got to the ER. I was screaming in pain.

When we finally got there, we had called ahead and they were waiting for us. They could barely touch me and I would scream out. Of coutse they had to get an IV in and by the end of this my dad had been thrown out of the ER for trying to keep them frim hurting me.

The Internist on duty was a Dr Kurt Bruckmeier. He saved my life and I stayed in the hos po ital for a week while they got those meds out of my system and started me on a different regime. The new meds worked and I kept seeing Dr Bruckmeier until I moved out of the state. I will always be very grateful to him. You see? I went into anaphyllactic shock. All my muscles seized, including my diaphragm. I had been able, on the way down to the ER, to give my histiry, thank God, so the Dr knew what was going onIt was scarey and painful and all over 30 pills that after 7 I was showing signs of an allergy toi but just didn’t recignize it.

If you have any questions about the meds you are on and how they are making you feel, dont hesitate to tell your physician. There are many other meds out there available to take, to take one that makes you sick ir that could possibly threaten your life.

Be healthy but be safe. Have a great Cup of Jo today!

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

A Silent Tear Drop -Depression & Dementia

Posted on 03/26/2012 by Jo

For over a year now, I have been
n noticing small changes in my husbands ability to maintain a constant level of rememboringhe has always taken care of me the way a man is sspposed to take care of a woman if you think of the old fashioned way. He worked I STAYED HOME & took online classes or worked some too. But he always worked long & hard hours, even when he waz sick or his feet tortured him with the pain of out. .At first it was little things, like rememoring where we were going for a second, like he had been daydreaming. This happened a few times, getting more severe each tme. OddI have noticed him repeating himself and he tells the same stories over and over again . I know we have all done that before but not lime this..odd behavikr for such an intelligent, quick witted man. He is 57.he is a young man. Now I sit here in the middle of the night in the sleeper berth of our new home on wheels, wondering what will happen next. We already lost everything we owned, our career jobs, our health, ; Im disabled with fibro, arthritis, copd , a kidney disease & a malfunctioning heart…am in chronic severe pain. I can no longer work. I was a nurse for 30 years. My husbnd is the victim of downsizing his 30 year career and now just plain age discrmination or over qqualification, so we had one job opportunity & that was to become OTR Truck Drivers a. It took every bit of strength in him to get through the training and get his CDL license, but he did it & I am so proud of him. It is a very hard and demanding job. It is very tecmnhnocal, legalized, physically & emotionally taxing. You have a huge responsibility on your hands at all times. Its not anything he ever thought he’d have to do, but he did it. And Im right there with him so we can be together , take care of each other & as its turned out I do his navigational work for him. we are a team. And today he was driving through cleveland, ohio and this look came on his face. He looked…lost. I asked him what was wrong and he said in a heartbreaking voice & facial expression “I dont know what I’m doing” I could see it all over him. He was lost. But he knew me & he knew how to drive so I just had to guide him to our destination and shut the truck down. It took a little while for him to come back to his senses. I assured him I would not leave him and that it would pass and my training as a nurse working with the elderly paid off. I was able to calmly pull him through that episode & the rest of the day that had its lingering effects. I was afraid to let him out of my sight. He wasnt right. He was fuzzy headed. I could tell. Later on after supper, we talked about and he feel asleep in my arms. I cried & cried listening to him snore so peacefully. I have anxiety & depression…but dont you think for one minute that my problems have now grown small in comparison to what we now face together. Dont you worry ,baby, I’ll take care of you.

Posted in Depression & Dementia | Leave a comment

Everybody Deserves To Be Happy

Posted on 03/06/2012 by Jo

I just got off the phone with an old friend who is beside herself with grief over a life lived and squandered, or so she thinks; a life wasted on one husband after another with no one to share her life with now that she is 60 and her body is broken down and she is having to take care of her ailing father who has lost his mind. She has been married and divorced 6 times and is very ashamed of how her life has turned out. All of the men she married turned out to be low-life, of sorts: one was a child molester, one was very controlling, one can’t seem to stay out of jail, one had a son who tried to kill her, one had a hidden crack cocaine habit, and one hated her daughter. 

She is now on Disability for Mental Illness and other Physical Illnesses, too many to mention and lives on a small Disability Check each month while taking care of her father. He is old and ailing and is loosing his mind and is a big man and she is a small lady. He tends to pass out often and the problem with that besides the fact that she can’t catch him or pick him up is that she too passes out often herself. She has a daughter, age 20, who lives with a dope dealer in a ratted out trailer and asks her mother for money all the time, so she is no help, only heart ache and trouble. The problem with this is that my friend, we’ll call her “Linda” blames herself for her daughter’s problems because she left her to live with her grandfather at the age of 12 when she lived with the husband who hated the daughter. So that’s a mess.

“Linda” started out in life out of High School and went to Jr College and got a Secretarial Diploma (this was back in the day). She went to work for a company stocking shelves with Martha White Flour and made really good money, She travelled all over MS. She was living ‘high on the hog’. Then she met her first husband who had the son who hated her and made her life hell. He tried to kill her. He was a pretty decent guy but she left him, of course and its been down hill ever since. Every one else she’s hooked up with has been …shall we say…of questionable character. Druggies. And she lived the life style with them. She held one job for 6 years working for the city but I don’t know how because she missed more days than she worked. “Linda” made a lot of bad decisions.

Now she’s crying and feeling sorry for screwing up her life the way she did and wishing she had made different decisions and hadn’t married so many times to so many low-lifes. She wishes she hadn’t left her daughter to live with her grand-father that time because she had no decipline there and she’s been wild ever since. “Linda” has been in and out of Mental Hospitals for several years mostly due to the fact that she can’t get over the death of her mother. She and her mother weren’t that close really but she tells herself they were. They weren’t. They fought all the time. Her mother criticized her for her lifestyle and “Linda” fought back. But now “Linda” seems to remember it differently.  She thinks that they were best friends and she misses her very much. So much that she can’t get over the fact that she’s gone. So every once in a while, she goes off the deep end and has to be admitted into a Mental Hospital so they can straighten her out. I’ve tried to tell her the truth: that she’s upset because she and her mother were not close and that’s why she’s upset but she won’t listen to me.

It’s sad when you get to a point in your life and you feel like you’ve wasted it and there is no way you can redeem yourself. All she wants is a man to love her. I can understand that. She’s had a few who did in the beginning but damn could they end up fighting! Always! Nasty Fights too! Over stupid stuff. And you can’t talk to her. She doesn’t see what she’s doing when it’s going on. She’s just mad and she’s right and that’s that. “Just calm down” I say. No way. It’s a big fight to the end.

i hope that one day she finds a man who will love her for who she is and can see the good in her and not care about her past, who can look past all of it and be her prince charming. It’s all in the world she’s ever wanted. She just keeps settling for the first guy that shows up! “You’ve got to be picky! You’ve got to sift through them to find the right  one”, I keep telling her but the first one who shows any attention to her, she just falls head over heels for. I told her she only has one more chance at this so she can’t take the next one who comes along. Or the next. I told her to wait 5 years and see who all shows up. She’s never waited one year. She’s never been without a man. I don’t know if she can do it but she swears she will. She swears she’s through with men.

Now “Linda”…let’s not go that far. You deserve to be happy, girl.

Posted in Love | 2 Comments

Anti-Depressants and Weight Gain

Posted on 03/05/2012 by Jo

When I became depressed and was given my first anti-depressant I weighed 115 lbs. I am 5′ 2″ tall. I looked good. I have always been physically fit. Able to perform all the outdoors fun and exercise that I wanted too…tennis, water and snow skiing, dancing, exercising, etc. No one told me that anti-depressants would cause me to gain weight. I read up on the medications but emphasized the side effects like physical effects which I experienced with my first one, Paxil, muscle seizures within 30 days which was very serious and almost killed me literally. I ended up in the hospital for 5 days. I met an Internist who treated me for the next 20 years at that time because he is the doctor who was in the emergency room that saved my life. Still he didn’t mention weight gain.

I started my first anti-depressant in 1996, weight at 115. Here we are in 2012 and my weight is at 213. I do not eat very much at all. Every one who knows me will tell you that. I eat a small breakfast and two other small meals throughout the day. I don’t munch on treats throughout the day. I drink water all the time. Recently I found out that anti-depressents put on weight, like a lot of weight, around 100 pounds, which is exactly what has happened to me. I have exercised some…I’m not a finatic…but I’ve walked on the treadmill and I see no difference in the weight. I don’t loose a lb ever. I even cut back on the amount of pills that I take. Instead of taking 3 of one kind per day, I decided to try to take one and instead of 2 I took one. It didn’t make any difference. I just got more depressed again. So I go back to taking the prescribed amount and put on a lb.

It is true that fat people are treated differently than thin people. When I was smaller, I was treated friendlier, flirted with, had doors opened for me, allowed me to move up in lines, etc. Now its like I’m invisible. It’s just like on that movie “Shallow Hal”. People really do treat you differently and I am not different. I am the same friendly, sweet, giving person that I ever was but now I am treated like I am in the way, like I don’t matter, with disdain and rudeness even. Mostly I just feel invisible, like I said. People don’t look at me and when they do they don’t smile or nod like they used to. They don’t acknowledge me like they used to when I was smaller.

Since gaining all the weight, I’ve researched weight gain and anti-depressants and found that it’s true that they put on about 100 lbs over a period of time and that you don’t loose it. That is very depressing. Especially when you are still depressed too! You are trying to manage your depression by changing your medications and of course the ones that halfway work for me are the ones that put on the weight. Of course, I don’t want to be depressed. But I don’t want to weigh 213 lbs either. It’s hideous. And I have the cortisol stress weight in my belly so I look like a beer drinker. And clothes are hard to find so I wear the same things over and over, the few that I found  that are nice and look kind of decent on my big fat self. My grand-kids keep asking me when I’m going to buy some new clothes and my husband apologizes for not having more clothes for me to wear. What he doesn’t  realize is that it is very hard to find clothes that fit my belly and hide my size and look pretty. I have to buy pregnancy clothes and even those are hard to find that doesn’t make me look pregnant.

So anyway, I have to take my meds, I can’t stop and I wonder if I will just keep gaining weight or if I’ve topped off. I have gained another lb this month. The problem is I have arthritis and fibromyalgia which causes me a lot of pain and I just don’t feel like doing a lot of exercise even if it did any good. But I have started a weight loss journal and it involves exercise so here I go. I am going to journal my weight journey vs my med intake. Some people go through depression without taking medications but I don’t see how. I truly don’t understand how they do it unless their depression is just slight depression. Mine is major. So I will stick with my meds and have to deal with the low self esteem the high weight gain has caused. Actually they have come up with some pills that till take care of the depression and cause weight loss. Yes, there are some, but they don’t work for me, of course.

Posted in Weight Gain | 2 Comments

Bipolar Depression & Mania summarized

Posted on 03/04/2012 by Jo

If you’ve wondered if you may suffer from Bipolar Disorder, here are some symptoms for you to consider. If you find you have some of these symptoms, I urge you to seek out a psychiatrist and discuss these feelings with him/her asap. There are 2 phases to Bipolar – Depression and Mania.

1.   SYMPTOMS OF BIPOLAR DEPRESSION

-feelings of sadness and hopelessness-complete lack of energy-remembering things can become a chore and it can be harder to concentrate-you have no interest in normal every day activities-extreme feelings of emptiness and worthlessness-guilty thoughts and feelings of despair-a pessimistic outlook to everything-doubt in yourself-illogical thinking (not thinking straight) Hallucinations-no interest in eating/overeating-insomnia /oversleeping-waking up early-suicidal thoughts

2.    SYMPTOMS OF BIPOLAR MANIA

-a feeling of euphoria, elation and extreme happiness-speaking extremely fast, incessant-boundless amounts of energy-a strong sense of self importance-having lots of irrational plans for the future and general  plans-easily agitated or irritated-being delusional, having hallucinations-feeling like you never want to sleep-lack of eating-irrational shopping sprees, spending money on things you normally wouldn’t

Euphoria and grandiosity usually goes hand and hand for most patients. It tends to cause the patient to unrealistically view their abilities and feel that they can do anything without consequences. This can be dangerous for this person and for those around them. Bipolar manics tend to get in reckless behavior due to their poor judgment. The reckless behavior tends to mean getting involved in doing drugs and alcohol, which include sleeping medication and cocaine most often. They embark on shopping sprees or make foolish or bad business investments and get involved in unprotected sex with multiple partners.

Those that experience mania can get by on as few as 3 hours of sleep per night and experience hyperactivity during the day. After this goes on for a while, agitation and irritability occurs. They can be aggressive and violent without provocation. They also can have trouble remembering things, difficulty making decisions and concentrating. They can then turn towards the opposite side and have racing thoughts, irrelevant thinking and become easily sidetracked.

Again, if you or someone you know is experiencing any of the above mentioned symptoms, seek medical help as soon as possible.  Experiencing these symptoms for a long period of time can cause you to make many mistakes that will effect you for a lifetime.

 

Expressions of Depressions is a privately owned site and is operated strictly by non-professionals. We strive to offer concise and verifiable  information about Depression, but are not healthcare professionals. Do not use the information found in this site in any way to replace the advice of a healthcare professional. Do not attempt to diagnose yourself based on the information presented, or attempt to treat yourself.

Reference: Bipolar Symptoms in Women www.bipolarsymptomsinwomen

 

Posted in Bipolar Disorder | Leave a comment

The Waiting is Almost Over

Posted on 03/02/2012 by Jo

My wonderful husband had to leave town to go on his OTR Training Trip right after Christmas. We had never been apart for 9 years of marriage and are extremely close. We knew it was going to be hard on both of us and spent a lot of time talking about it before he left. We always spend almost every waking and sleeping moments together because neither of us have jobs right now, nor have we for 4 months. We have gotten very co-dependent and like it that way. We get along extremely well anyway and the only times we are ever apart are when we were working and had to go to our jobs. We are best friends and like to do the same things and like to do them together. We are simple unseparable so we knew this was going to be hard. We just didn’t know how hard it was going to be!

At first my husband was in school so he was busy during the days concentrating on school work so it took up his time doing that. But I was home with  nothing to do but watch TV and write in my journal and read on Facebook, yipee! Time goes slowly. Then my husband got on the road and started driving the truck and he was involved in doing that which kept his mind on those things and helped time pass for him, but here I was still at home with  nothing to do but wait. And I have Bipolar Disorder and Anxiety, which doesn’t help at all. As time went on, my husband got more familiar with his driving and things became more mundane with him and he starting missing me more. He even started calling home crying that he missed me which made me feel better because I had done my share of crying alone.

Every morning I wake up I look at the clock and hope that it isn’t too early because then I know it’s going to be a long day of waiting for another day to pass. Chris has to drive 200 hours to finish his OTR Training and then pass a Final Driving Test on the Terminal Grounds. He already had to finish the school and pass the CDL Licensure Exam Test. So far he has finisihed 170 hours of driving time so he should finish his driving time within the week but it doesn’t make me miss him any less. I guess I should try to get excited that he’s coming home soon but I just miss him so much I find myself crying more and more as time goes on. We are just so connected in our souls that its wrenching to be apart. Once he gets hired by this company, I will be riding with him and we will make our home on the road together.We will come  home every 3-4 weeks or so, I guess, to get meds or see our doctor when we have too but as long as we are together I don’t care where we are.

We both have some health issues and have always taken care of each other and it has been scarey being apart. I have even had to go into the hospital while he was gone. He came home for a week, as it happened, with a sprained ankle, that same week. Weird, huh? God is good. He knew I needed him and I’m sorry he hurt his ankle but I’m glad he was with me. And it gave us  a week reprieve of being apart.We both needed that. We huddled and cuddled and kissed and held hands and sat close and snuggled and just stayed as close as we could the whole time. It ended too soon but we knew he’d only be gone another couple of weeks, but that seemed like another eternity and it has been.

Now it’s just a few days until he’ll be coming home and all I can do is cry and feel like my heart is going to break until he walks through that door and I can hug him and kiss his face.  I have been married a few times but never had a husband before. I have never had a soul mate until now. Having a soul mate feels like a part of you is missing when they are not around. Like your arm is missing or more fitting, like your heart is missing. Actually it is breaking a little at a time. With sorrow seaping out. And only his prescence can mend it. I miss hearing him breathe, I miss hearing him snore. I miss his farts. The most precious thing about him is how he treats me like a princess. He dotes on me all the time. I have never seen anyone treat anyone the way he treats me. I’m the luckiest woman in the world. He is the most wonderful husband there ever has been in all the world. And he is my husband and he loves me and he is coming home to me in about a week.

I think I can stand it another week. The days are long and lonely and the nights are long and lonely, but I just sit here and read and write and wait for his calls and love him through the space between us and pray for him and his safety and contentment and joy where he is. All I want in this world is for him to come home to me and get me and never leave me again. When we met, he came to my house and packed up my stuff and took me to live with him in a quick manner because I was  getting cold feet. He just came and got me. So I’m ready for him to just come and get me again and never leave me again. I don’t see any reason now why we should ever have to be apart again. We have this job now that allows us to be together and work and make money so that’s that, isn’t it? I feel all better just having blogged this. A week isn’t too long. Oh, I’m sure I’ll still cry a little more and I’ll go to sleep early just because I want the day to be over with but each day over is another day closer to him being home to get me. I have already started packing. That makes me feel better to.

So now I’m counting days and not weeks and I should be considering that instead of being so sad. And he only has about 20 hours to go now since he drove all day today and got another 10 hours in, so that should make me happier to think about that too. And I am very proud of him because he really didn’t want to do this but it was the only job he could find and he is just man enough to do what he has to do to take care of us and I’m proud of him for that. That is a hard thing for anybody to do. I can no longer work. I am disabled. I have Bipolar Disorder and Anxiety, 30% function of my kidneys, a blood clotting disease, fibromyalgia, dystonia, HTN, and COPD. My husband has HTN and we have a hard time keeping it under control and he has Anxiety and depression. Like I said. We have to take care of each other. So I can’t wait to be able to be with him and to be able to have him take care of me and me take care of him again. That is the way it should be. Then there will be no more lonely days or lonely nights for either one of us again. My baby is coming home soon.

Posted in Love | Leave a comment

Depressed Bloggers – Blog away!

Posted on 03/02/2012 by Jo

It never ceases to amaze me how surprised some people react to some of the blogs I write. They act like something is ‘wrong’ with me because I have depression and have bad days and have dark feelings – suicidal thoughts and all. Well, I have some news for some of you, “People, depressed people are DEPRESSED!” We are not perky, happy, funny, get-up-&-go people. We are stay at home, keep the blinds closed, don’t answer the phone and cry a lot kind of folks. It’s not something we choose to do, it’s our biochemicals that have turned against us and taken away our happiness. You are lucky, so quit being so judgmental and lofty. It could be you. I’m tired of people telling me “Oh, sweetheart…I think you should see someone professionally.”  Well, I do! All the time and guess what? I still feel the same. – Depressed! I am not angry…just depressed and sick and tired of people  expecting me to have a sunny disposition.

I am a nice person. I am kind to others. I do things for others. I help the homeless. But when I blog, I blog for other depressed persons to read and relate. If someone who is not depressed reads my blogs, they may learn something and be positive about it or don’t read it. But stop reading it and being negative. You may have a degree and run all over the country helping others, but you obviously don’t have a clue about depression and how it effects human beings so stop with the ignorant comments made towards depressants who you obviously have no empathy towards. I just got through patching up a fellow depressant who had been told they needed to talk to someone professionally too. There is just so much ignorance out there about depression.

Depressed people may go through a long period of time before they ask for help but eventually most of us do. It is nice of you to suggest to  us to see someone professionally. But it isn’t nice of you to assume we aren’t seeing someone just becasuse we have dark times and depressed days. We are not going to stop being depressed more than likely. More than likely we are going to remain depressed and just manage it. It is a lifelong illness/disability. It isn’t something you ‘get over’. Your biochemcials don’t change. You may find some medications to modify them but they have to be tweeked every once in a while so that means its a fine-line balancing act all the time.
So the next time you find someone you think is depressed, before you start with your holier-than-thou attitude, just simply ask them if they are seeing a doctor before you suggest they do. That is offensive because they have more than likely been seeing a psychiatrist, pouring their souls out to them already and that is a very personal thing. Someone who blogs most certainly has. So think about it. A blogger is someone who is expressing their inner most thoughts for other depressants to identify with. Not some crazy person writing something out of the blue. I just thought I’d clear the path for other bloggers who want to be honest about their dark days. It’s ok. Be as dark as you want. We care about how you feel. We understand. And we will not judge you. We want to share your innermost feelings with us. We will be there for you. So go ahead. Blog away!

Posted in For Bloggers | Leave a comment

Rampant Negative Thoughts-Unfounded fears

Posted on 03/02/2012 by Jo

Having depression means that you constantly have negative thoughts running through your mind all the time that build up and build up into a full blown movie, a bad nightmare movie, before you finally realize you have allowed yourself to be drawn into another negative thought pattern and you snap yourself out of it. You kind of get drawn into a day dream, of sorts, when one of these negative thoughts takes hold and grows out of control. This is something that goes on all day long with depressants, about every subject under the sun, usually about something or someone that is most important to you. However, it can be something that is minial and far flung from what you think you are thinking about; just something that comes out of the blue. But one thing is for sure: it is always negative. Very negative.

One of the frustrating aspects of the negative thoughts is that they are so repetitious. The thoughts come over and over and over, back to back, down deep in my mind, making my heart flutter, my mind confused and my spirit sad. The repetition comes so swiftly dozens of thoughts can occur before you can find yourself in control enough to stop them and I’ve been dealing with this since 1996 so you’d think I’d have better control of it by now but it isn’t something that is that easy to deal with. It creeps in under the radar. Anything and everything can stir up those kinds of negative repetitive thoughts. And it is very hard to realize you are in the middle of them so you can begin the process of stopping them. I was just looking at Facebook and before I knew it I was in the middle of a negative thought about my husband dying in a snow storm in his truck. That’s what I’m talking about. They come out of no where and are about anything.

The negative thoughts affect my day in that they make me depressed and my day will be upsetting and out of sorts, nothing can bring it back to a positive port, it just mulls along in the saddened engulfed hold it has on me. Everything is affected by these thoughts. They are an overlay to it all. A film of negativity that holds tightly and everything is seen through them.  There is no way to control them even though I try to say something positive after each thought. But that doesn’t really help most of the time. It all depends on how deeply I’m depressed to begin with. If I’m in a halfway happy mood, a positive interjection can be helpful. If I’m depressed fully, even a positive statement doesn’t lift the heavy feeling.

A few examples of negative thoughts I’ve had lately are one in which my daughter calles me and said she and her husband had a wreck and he had his arm torn off. The thought went on like a movie. Another one was that my grand-daughter fell down the stairs and her leg bone jammed up through her torso. These are just small examples of what I go through all day long with my thoughts running rampant. There is no pill that can help, meditation helps a little but not really. You just have to catch yourself and stop the thought before its gone into a full blown movie and dropped your mood in the dirt again. Its just part of having depression that most people don’t know about that keeps you depressed all the time.

Posted in Negative Thoughts | Leave a comment

During the Darkness

Posted on 03/02/2012 by Jo

I’m shaky and alone, waiting for the time to pass and for tomorrow to be here. I always like   it when the night time comes and it’s time for sleep and I can pass out and go to sleep. I pray for the nights when I don’t dream, just hours of rest and peace. No thoughts – Emptiness. Peace. I was ok when I woke up this morning. I got a long phone call from my husband, but as the day went on I began to feel sad and lonely and the feeling began to set in. The depression hovered over me like a blanket. It wants to wrap itself on me. There’s no way to keep it off. I’m powerless against it.   The fear builds up in the pit of my stomach and it makes it hard for me to swallow. I feel like I’m free falling in space without a parachute. The anxiety is overwhelming. It keeps me locked up in my room. It keeps me from calling out to anyone. I want to cry but can’t. It’s so frustrating. I want my husband and he’s far away and I can’t get to him. I can’t go to work anymore. i’m stuck at home.  Its a panic attack. 2 xanax and a shower and an hour later and I’m feeling a little better. I’m glad I thought about the xanax. I was loosing it. Now I’m thinking about the last 3 years and all the negative things that have happened and wondering if its bad karma coming back on me for all the mistakes I made as a young woman. I don’t even know if I believe in karma but the Bible says you reap what you sow. But I have to confirm my best karma is my husband and he is in my life right now for sure. Thank God.

They say what goes around comes around. You reap what you sow. But what about going through bad times…where are all the good things you’ve done for people then? do those things come on you? Is that the light at the end of the tunnel? Is that when you get paid back for all the good things that you’ve done for others? It doesn’t seem so when everything is going along so badly.

a lot of the depression comes from the destruction and mayhem caused from the mania episodes experienced earlier in life. I wrote about this in another blog.

 

 

Posted in Panic Attacks | Leave a comment

Sometimes the truth shocks me

Posted on 02/26/2012 by Jo

Here I sit 57 years old with all kinds of health issues that are keeping me from working as a         nurse, my profession for 30 years now: anxiety and depression mostly keep me from being able to get up and face the day, keep me from facing the coworkers, the patients, the situations. Anxiety and depression keeps me from having the confidence it takes to make the decisions necessary to treat the sick anymore like I used to without giving it a second thought, it was second nature. Now I question myself, I second guess myself. I just don’t have that confidence anymore that God gave me for so many years, that God gives all medical personnel to do their jobs quickly assuredly. I used to have that but not anymore. I’m afraid now. I don’t know why but i am scared i will make the wrong decisions. I have never hurt anyone or made the wrong decision and I don’t wont to ever do it so I want to stop before I do. So I guess I know when to get out.

 

This makes me so mad. I was a great nurse. I helped a lot of people. i had good instinct. I had good diagnostic skills. I worked great with doctors. I worked great with others. My patients loved me. I have lots of tales to tell. Lots of stores to remember. Lots of memories to hold onto and remember to remind me of what a good nurse I was. I am. But the anxiety and depression have taken over and changed all of that. It took away the joy. The appreication I felt. The caring I had for the patient. The desire I had to clinisize the situation and find the diagnosis and find the right medication and treatment to bring a cure to the patient. To see the patient get better. The depression took the desire away from me that cared about that part. I have no energy for that any more. I’m too tired to care about it any  more. I listen to the complaint and I can’t personalize it, I can’t catagorize it, I can’t find the energi to bring it all together and stir it up into a diagnosis. It just lays there bland and cold and stagnant. I’ve lost the calling. I’ve lost the fire.  I never thought this would happen to me. It makes me sick. I feel lost and bland.

The depression has done this to me. It has taken away my desire and my excitement and the anxiety has left me with a rage for giving me the nervousness and frightfulness in the place of the confidence I used to have. I also have lost my ability to make a living, period. I can’t make myself leave the house when it’s time to go to work. I fidget around getting ready but when it gets close to being time, I call in with some excuse about being sick. I call in more than I go in. I get talked to about it all the time. I know I miss too much. I need a job but I just can’t handle being out around all those people and having those responsibilities. I have so much fear involved in getting out, fear in doing the job, fear in being around people. I must have agoraphobia. I haven’t actually been diagnosed with it  but I haven’t yet told my shrink how I feel about this either. But it has gotten really bad. Paralyzingly bad. It will be my main topic at my next session. Until then, I’m just stuck without a job, staying inside my room, staving off panic attacks with xanax and waiting until our health insurance goes into effect.

 

Posted in Agoraphobia | Leave a comment